Sure, I’ll hear your apology. That doesn’t mean I have to accept it

There’s something deeply attractive about someone who can acknowledge when they’ve stuffed up and offer a genuine apology.
As human beings, we tend to hold people in high regard when they eat a large portion of humble pie. It takes a “big person to admit they’re wrong”, as the saying goes.
And why is an apology offered in the first place? Not because it’s the easy thing to do but because it’s the right thing to do.
Perhaps it’s because apologies are not easy that there’s a seemingly inherent expectation that they will be accepted.
I’m here to raise the thorny issue of rejecting apologies. Can we please normalise that?
It’s my firm belief that just because someone offers you an apology – no matter how genuine or how heartfelt or how humble – you’re under absolutely no obligation to accept it. And I note: “acknowledging” and “accepting” are two very different things.
Just because you don’t accept someone’s apology doesn’t mean you can’t be friends, partners or anything else. You can acknowledge it, recognise how important it is that they offered it … and still not accept it. This might mean acknowledging the transgression they’re apologising for can’t be fixed with a simple one-liner, no matter how heartfelt. It might mean, for instance, that work is needed to rebuild trust. Or that there are certain things that can’t be unsaid or undone. Or, like me, you hold a grudge for slightly (a lot) longer than is probably (definitely) warranted.
It is possible to refuse or reject an apology without walking away from a relationship or friendship, acknowledging that there are some cuts that go too deep to forgive, or that we are all as humans inherently flawed, but that you still see the good in someone and you’re willing to work on that connection.
Because while it does take a “big person” to offer an apology, it takes a bigger person to accept that no one has the right to expect that an apology will or must be accepted.
I have no idea about what happened between Dave Grohl and his wife and the mother of the daughter he has welcomed outside his marriage. I have no idea whether his wife will accept his apology and continue with their relationship, reject his apology and leave him, or reject his apology and stay. That’s really none of our business.
An apology can be genuine, caring, truthful – all the good things. That doesn’t entitle the person apologising to an acceptance or forgiveness of problematic behaviour.
I had a falling out with one of my closest friends. I was in a terrible state mentally and, instead of addressing concerns I had with the friend’s behaviour, I chose to cut my losses and ghost the friendship, cutting off all our social media ties – the modern-day equivalent of filing friendship divorce papers.
A few months later, when my emotions had settled and my mental health had found some equilibrium, I felt bad for my cowardly approach.
I sent an apology and explained how much I was missing our friendship. I was thanked but the apology was politely declined. There was a transgression in trust that the particular friend decided couldn’t be overcome and it’s clearly well within their rights to decide how to set their personal boundaries.
If we’re going to normalise not accepting apologies, we also have to normalise not having our apologies accepted. We just don’t have a right to that, even if the action for which we’re apologising is unintentional.
I was talking to a friend about politicians who engage in divisive and damaging rhetoric in their speeches or social media posts. On one example he jumped in: “But they apologised!”
A publicly funded official spreading lies or hatred against any single member of the voting public is not OK on any level. Issuing a disingenuous apology days after the fact – once they’ve had time to workshop that apology with spinners to ensure it does the least amount of damage to a political brand – well, that’s unacceptable.
One thing I know for sure: if you receive an apology that is delivered with the same commitment as my toddler when she apologises after being busted for stealing delicious treats from the kitchen before dinner (ie, none at all), feel free to call it out as not genuine, rather than succumb to social niceties by simply saying “thanks”.
And when you do, tell them I sent you.